Running- part 2
People say that I run away from my trauma. I do not see it that way. I run because it helps me to work through the trauma. Running is my safe place; I can use my 5 senses to help myself stay in that safe place even during the times I cannot run. I allow myself to feel the emotions and then I just take the events and place them in my feet. Next, I place my feet on the concrete or trail and let it go/out of my system. The events that occur in our lives are not who we are, they tend to shape who we become however we can change our story. Life is not fair, and it never will be. Do not fall into the trap of being a victim. Be more aware of yourself, be more aware of the time we have on this earth. STOP being entitled to being a VICTIM in your life. Recognize how short life is and identify your way of coping with life. STOP the noise and those who tell you, you shouldn’t run, and you shouldn’t lift because it hurts your body. Those people are not in your arena. They bring you down because they can’t handle the pain and the struggle. Be good with you, push through the uncomfortable moments. Running costs, it is a risk, but I feel more alive when I run. People will always ask me why do you run? If they are asking me that question, then they don’t understand what I am building. When I run, I can be strong, I can break down, I can feel something whether it is good or bad. Running makes me feel alive. I remember the stuff I earn, the mental and the physical sweat I put into running, helps build my resilience. I have freedom when I run. It’s just me, GOD, the trail/road, the beautiful scenery and the ability to decide how much I will push my self that day. I invest in myself everyday when I run because it gives me my freedom. I struggle and fail some days when I run and that’s okay because pain is inevitable, life is hard but for me running helps me to get through those tough times and push through that pain.
Recently I had the opportunity to spend time with my grandmother before she passed away. During this time, I did not lift, nor did I run. I could not stand the thought of being away from her. At this time, I begin to use my coping skills and visualize in the evenings myself running. I could see the mountains with snow tops, I could smell the mountainous air, I could hear my feet hit the trails, I tasted nothing but cotton mouth and I could feel the sweat and salt on the end of my fingertips. I often wonder what my grandmother’s safe place was. I regret that I never even asked. I wrote my experience with my grandmother and shared it with those at her celebration of life. I wrote a letter and had help on how to phrase what I witnessed. So here goes nothing. I got a front row seat to watch you drift away, Grams was smiling that smile and then I watched it fade away. I was so angry with God I didn’t want to pray. Because I hate this feeling of missing you every single day. I really hate cancer wish that it never existed. The souls it takes, the things it does man it’s just so twisted. The emptiness hurts more than I thought it would, I wanna see you again grams I really wish I could. And when my heart was shattered, you’d pick up the pieces, and now I’m sitting here alone tryna flatten out the creases. Grams did not want many people knowing she was sick. She wouldn’t even tell me how bad she was until I witnessed it. I guess she was still trying to protect us all. She knew something was wrong however she kept that beautiful smile. I think she believed if her smile was gone then people would believe she gave up but that’s not my grams, it’s just not in her blood to quit. Even at her weakest points she was stubborn. She used up every bit of her body, the strongest, bravest woman I have ever known. I just hope that one day I can be as strong and brave as she was. Grams, I LOVE YOU MORE!!!!!!!!!!! I long for the day when I can hear you say back, “Oh baby but I have loved you longer.”